The Direction of Love

"The direction of love is from the... inside out. It's not from the outside in."


Of late, I have been attending talks by a psychologist and inspiring master trainer, Dr Mel Gill on discussions related to Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). He is a charismatic speaker, who shares very enlightening thoughts and has somehow gave me courage to step out of my mental comfort/torture zone. Here, I would like to share part of his talk on the very controversial topic of love (you can also watch him deliver the talk here):


"Love is a gift, not something you deserve.

Let me give you a story about a man. This man was old, about 75 years old. He has no family, no wife, no kids, no grandchildren, nothing. And he lives in a terrace street, with all the terrace houses, about 15 houses on one side, 15 on the other side.

One day he won a lottery, a hundred and eighty million dollars. Very hard to spend ten million dollars let alone a hundred and eighty million dollars. (This is US dollars.) So he didn't know what to do, and he says, 'You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to give every house in my street a thousand dollars a month.' Wow, what a great gift! So he knocked on the first door, he gave them a thousand bucks: 'Here's a thousand dollars, cash.' They almost refused to take it - because people are suspicious when you give them good things - they look at that, 'Ohh, what's with the cash? Are you out of your mind?' ...so on and so forth. But he give. So they took the money, and after a little while were persuaded to accept it.

Next month, he give them another thousand dollars, except they were, 'Okay, yea alright, if you insist, we'll take another thousand.' Three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine months passed, he kept up until finally people accepted it. They were looking forward to the thousand dollars every month. He kept up for two years; almost two and a half years later, the old man decided to stop.

But you know what happened though? People started to get angry! He decided to stop because he was running out of money, he put the money somewhere else, and to buy some other things; because he has a life and other things to do. He stopped giving money. But these people had budgeted their entire lives around the thousand dollars. They built their entire lives around the thousand dollars! You know, the kids' expenses, this cost, that cost... and the old man's thousand dollars will pay for these etc..., and so they were very very happy, at that point. And now, it stopped! What are they going to do, 'We don't have that anymore, that used to be part of our lives!'

So they picked up sticks and stones, they came up to the old man's house at the corner of the block and they started throwing the stones into the window. They wanted to beat the old man up and bring him outside. By then he had disappeared because he knew they were coming, he just ran as far away as possible.

Love is like that. When it is given to you, whether it's married to you or given otherwise, it's a gift. It's a gift. It can pull away, it can stop at any time. It's their prerogative. Anyone's prerogative. So it may pull away, that's fine, at least when in the while that you had it, it was free. You didn't have to work so hard for it. And that is the direction of love. And when you recognize that, love is in one direction. The ability to be able to love someone is amazing, but it is a gift."

...by Dr. Mel Gill


みはる

Singapore-Paris-London

Yes, I'll be trotting Singapore, Paris and London in the span of two and a half weeks from tonight.
Yours truly will be (well, at least hope to) rubbing shoulders with veteran scientists in Paris for 5 days before traveling Paris and London for another 2 weeks.

City of Lights, je viens!
(excuse my lousy french)

～みはる～

Angel

It's been a long time since my last post.
A lot of things happened. Been kept busy.
In the midst of these madness, this song speaks to me.

Angel - Sarah McLachlan

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an Angel fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of an Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

You're in the arms of an Angel
May you find some comfort here

～みはる～

King of Pop: Michael Jackson

Yesterday, I woke up to a rude shock.

The King of Pop, Michael Jackson, is dead.

For a sudden moment, I felt the sun vanished from the music world.
It was unreal.
Michael Jackson can't be dead. He's THE icon of pop music for the last 40 years.
Even though he's not actively making music today, he's there. He's Michael Jackson.

But, no. Cardiac arrest took him away.
It's just... surreal. That he's no longer here anymore.

While I hadn't been his ultimate fan, I do like his songs.


Yes, he's odd. He's eccentric.
But he is Michael Jackson.
And that equates to an individual with talent for song and dance that remains unsurpassed in the pop music world today.


That equates to an individual whose voice and moves changed the dimension of pop culture.


There's no other artiste today that I can think of, who can be placed at the same pedestal as Michael Jackson. He was a phenomenon. And I'm glad to have grown up in the age where he was there, constructing a whole new dimension of pop music.
May the King rest in peace.



～みはる～

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

For '80s babies like myself, Transformers is one cartoon that probably defined our childhood.
When Michael Bay came out with Transformers the Movie, I thought it was fantastic. I have no freaking idea how he can make all the Autobots and Decepticons transform so fluidly but the action scenes were just bloody fantastic. And I'm so glad to see Optimus Prime live in action!!

So, it goes without saying I was ecstatic when the sequel, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was released. And I must say, I wasn't disappointed.

I'm not going to divulge the details here (lest I spoil those who have yet watched it), but I'm gonna rave about the action. It was non-stop exciting action with more transforming Autobots and even more Decepticons from start to end. It was just brilliant. I also like the touch of humor added, it gave a nice balance of serious and funny. My only grouse would be the lack of character development. It was so packed with action that the storyline kinda paled in comparison to the first movie.

But bottomline is, Transformers did not disappoint.
Go watch it already!!

～みはる～

Impermanence

Of late,
I hear things about the people I care that stirred both sadness and happiness in me.
I see things about the people I treasure that brought me both pain and wisdom.
I feel things about the people I love that both breaks my heart and warms my soul.

And I wonder,
if we are courting pain by holding on to life's impermanence, will we be released if we accept impermanence as it is? But if we are free from the pain, won't life be just as dull as a white cloud floating by?

Sometimes, I feel, pain is what makes us alive.

～みはる～

Of angels and monsters

Three years ago, I would go to movies at a frequency of 1 per annum. Reason being, the ticket fares are bloody exorbitant and I find it ridiculous spending so much for a 90-minute reel time.

Three years later, I am going for movies at a minimum average frequency of 1 per fortnight. Reason being, the weather is so bloody hot there's no better place to be than inside the dark and cold enclosure of the cinema to escape the heat stress. I would be more than happy to pay a small sum for some visual action and respite from heat.

So in my escapade, I watched some movies which were (mostly) quite well worth the fee:


Knowing

The trailer had promised lots of action, excitement, suspense and mystery. To be fair, I did enjoy the action and drama, especially the scene at the underground subway. The whole logic of predicting tragedies from random numbers scribbled by 'chosen' children was fascinatingly freakish. However, the science fiction of Earth being decimated by a solar flame seemed incredulous. And I hated the cinematography; all the camera-shaking during the running sequences gave me a headache and made me feel like puking. But, the ending takes the cake: it left me dumbfounded. When the aliens and spacecraft came down and sucked the two kids and rabbits up with them, the only thought in my mind was, "What the hell?!" It was one movie where it was good until the last ten minutes screwed it all up.

And they could have casted a more good looking hero? Nicholas Cage didn't really fit the bill for me.


Night At The Museum 2

I really liked the first installment of Night At The Museum. It was hilarious with all the artefacts coming to life. So, I wasn't very sure if the sequel can really top that. Well, I can say, that while it didn't, the sequel was equally as hilarious. Hank Azaria as the evil Kahmunrah was just mind-blowing funny. The plot was lukewarm, but it was the dialogue and the poking fun at historical facts that was worth a laugh. Amy Adams was surprisingly good as the adventure-seeking Amelia Earhart, and the rapping trio of cupids as well as The (lusty) Thinker were really hilarious to watch. And the tiny head-bobbing Einsteins are really more than just merely reception decorations!


Monsters vs Aliens

One word: Hilarious.

From start to finish, I was laughing my head off. Initially, I was wary of watching this movie, because the synopsis scripted a rather lame storyline by my standards. And yes, after watching it I still think the plot is stupid and lame, but it is just so hilarious! The jokes and the characters were so funny, I laughed so hard that I felt lethargic after stepping out of the cinema. I really love the part when the mad cockroach scientist broke into a dance, decoded the password and declared his PhD was majored in breakdance! And brainless BOB was just so so funny. This is not one movie to watch intellectually but to laugh your butt off.


Angels and Demons

Okay, I didn't read the book. And I didn't watch The Da Vinci Code. Because I have read the book The Da Vinci Code, I was kinda apprehensive that I may not understand the story from the movie without prior reading the book; there was just too much narrative information in The Da Vinci Code. So, it came as a surprise to me that I did enjoy the movie Angels and Demons. The thriller did a good job in raising suspension, but having read Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code, the outcome was quite predictable for me. I sort of knew Camerlengo was somehow part of the plot, and the diversion of suspicion towards the Swiss Guards was just to make sure the audience see Camerlengo in a positive light. The mind-screwing (i.e. symbology) was not as gripping as what I've read in the Da Vinci Code, but reasonably fascinating. I liked the implication of pentagon and five natural elements, and the play with signs and angels. Nevertheless, the sceneries and outdoor shots were marvellous; they make me want to visit the Vatican City at least once just to experience the fantastic view from the Pope's vantage point. Hahaha.

I think I'll pick up the book for a good read.


The Taking of Pelham 123

I was taken in by the trailer. Action-packed, with hints of terrorism, it is one movie that seemed relevant to the social standing of our society today. Kinda reminds me of Tokyo's underground sarin gas attack and London's tube incident years ago. The movie was not a total disappointment; the action was good, the suspense was there, the cinematography was waaaaay better than Knowing. But the ending didn't really feel satisfactory. I mean, the entire terrorism plan was well thought and pretty smart I'd say, but I have no idea why gold trading would be volatile towards the state of transportation in a metropolitan city. And it just doesn't feel like a good end when the terrorist earned millions and then die at point blank when he had the chance to make a break. It was just.... not satisfactory.

Umm, more movies?

～みはる～

Rarely

Things rarely seen in campus...

...a beautiful rainbow on a gloomy drizzling evening,

...a calico cat in deep slumber along the busy walkway,

...a tree standing in between concrete buildings, sprouting cotton...

...ready for harvest,

...a humongous helping of foie gras on milk bread in a meeting room...

...complete with the best French yellow wine I've tasted so far.(Thanks to YN for the Cadillac!!) I really don't mind getting drunk with this one ^_^

～みはる～

Britain's Got Talent 2009

I confess that I have been away indulging in guilty pleasures.

I've been religiously following Britain's Got Talent (BGT) 2009 on Youtube for 3 reasons:
a) Britain's really GOT talent,
b) Simon Cowell, Amanda Holden and Piers Morgan are the most enjoyable panel of judges to watch,
c) Ant and Dec are absolutely the funniest hosts ever. (Did I also mention Dec is really cute?!)

It's simply marvelous the variety of super talented acts that auditioned for BGT. Street dance, opera, theatre, intrumentalism, ventriloquism, you name it Britain's got it. The showcase of talents was, in no better words, mind-blowing. There are also really stupid and funny acts that makes you wonder how sane the British are (Mr Methane, Darth Jackson...), but the talented ones were really really really a delight to watch.

I have to say, this year's BGT has a line-up of nothing but amazing talents from the semi-finals onwards. Every act (well, almost) was brilliantly fantastic at each session of the semi-finals, and I find it so difficult to pick a favorite for the Final. However, I thoroughly adore:

Shaheen Jafargholi, the 12-year-old singer from Swansea with the most unbelievably powerful voice ever a kid can ever have,
Watch Shaheen at BGT '09 final

Hollie Steel, the 10-year-old singer-ballerina whose pure voice gave me the goosebumps,
Watch Hollie at BGT '09 final

Shaun Smith, the 17-year-old A-levels student who got me smitten with his renditions of rock-pop songs,
Watch Shaun at BGT '09 final

Diversity, the street dance group with the most original routine I've ever seen in my life,
Watch Diversity at BGT '09 final

Stavros Flatly, the father-son duo with simply the most entertaining Greek dance number EVER
Watch Stavros at BGT '09 final

Of course, there had been also so much hype about Susan Boyle, the 47-year-old singer from Scotland, whose rendition of 'I Dreamed A Dream' from Les Miserables, stunned the world (and still do).
Watch Susan at BGT '09 final

All these talents (and more) auditioned and competed for the coveted title of BGT 2009's winner as well as a chance to perform in the Royal Variety show in front of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth. And seriously, you can't pick one from these because they are all equally fantastic!! The standard for BGT leapt really high this year, not one finalist was not good (well, except for 2 Grand, in my opinion).

And to my utmost delight, my favourite dance group, Diversity, was crowned the winner of BGT 2009. After their performance, there was no doubt they are the winner. In Amanda's words, they "nailed it" with their dance routine. It was sheer perfection.

It had been an excellent run of auditions and I simply can't wait for the next series of BGT to show more of British talents.

Can I just say, what blinking brilliant talents BGT have this year!

～みはる～

Disclaimer: All videos from Youtube and belongs to the respective uploaders. None of it is mine and all contents are owned by ITV.

Beautifully imperfect

Have you watched a touching advertisement before? I saw one that really pulled my heartstrings.



I loved it when she said:
"...little imperfections that make them perfect for you."

Petronas has also many meaningful advertisements.







Sigh, if only we are as innocent as that.







Then there are very funny ones.



Advertisements are really fun.

～みはる～

Today is not my day

Woke up with chills and a sick feeling of developing fever.

Stole 45min from work to go bank, only to find an uncharacteristic long queue for a Monday.

Switched on the water bath, only to find bacterial film contaminating the tank. Spent a good half hour scrubbing tank clean.

Did bacterial inoculation, only to spill pathogenic culture at the incubator (of all places, the one with optimal bacterial growth temperature!)

Did microscope work with pathogenic bacteria, only to break the microscope slide under the objectives.

Went for equipment training, only to feel ill and sleepy throughout.

Got off work and only after leaving the building I realized my bus card was left in the office. Had to walk all the way back to retrieve it. Because of this, I had to run UPHILL after the coming bus.

Came back home to cook myself a good dinner, only to scald my fingers in the process.

When, finally, eating my dinner, discovered that the fish was slightly undercooked. Had to cook it over again. Half way through my dinner, I realized I made too much food.

The day is not yet over, but I feel like crap already.
Today is not my day.

～みはる～

赤い糸 vs 恋空

While I like watching Japanese shows, I'm hardly a J-dorama (i.e. Japanese drama serials) fan. I'd usually be aware of some of these dramas when there's a lot of hype revolving it and Kinokuniya bookstores set up a little shrine in a corner declaring how many million copies of novel/dvd/vcd the story had hit and how many million people have watched and been touched by it.

Okay, so I'm always the last to know. But who cares.

So that was exactly how I got to know of two of the very popular keitai shousetsu (mobile phone novels - it's a trend in Japan) that were serialized into dramas and movie versions.

The first was 恋空 (Koizora). Call me shallow, but I was attracted to the front cover of the novel. It was sparkly and pretty.

Koizora novel

Then I watched the drama. It wasn't spectacular, but was good.

Koizora tells about an unlikely middle school couple: Mika - a shy, quiet and obedient girl, and Hiro - a boorish, hooligan-ish boy. We follow their love story - falling in love, happy times, painful times, conflicts, blablabla... pretty much the normal love story recipe. What was interesting to me was the conflicts, reactions, decision makings and consequences: acts of jealousy by the ex which lead to a near gang raping and then a miscarriage, violent emotional outbursts which lead to expulsion of an innocent friend from school, cancer and the self-destruction of one's own happiness. What was incredibly fascinating was that Koizora is NOT a fictious story. It was based on the experiences of the author, Mika.



After watching Koizora, I thought it was a really sweet story and it was rather good. But when I followed up with another drama, I realized that, in comparison, Koizora was quite forgettable.

Akai Ito novel - not sparkly but simplicity is attractive

This drama, 赤い糸 (Akai Ito) suited my taste better because it shows the painful reality of drug abuse and its consequences in our (or rather specifically, Japanese) society. While I'm strongly against drug abuse and the like, this vivid portrayal of how drugs damage lives of the abuser and everyone around him/her makes me cold to the core.

Akai Ito is a fictious love story in its own right. It is interesting because it ties in a popular Japanese legend of the same title, Akai Ito (literally, Red Thread). As the legend goes, each man and woman destined to be soulmates are bound to each other by an invisible red thread by the little finger, and this fate will bring them together. In this story, Mei and Atsushi are bound by this thread of destiny. It's hard not to like how the author (of the same name, Mei) tie the lives of Mei and Atsushi together. They shared the same birthday, 29th February and have been in-and-out of each other's lives for more times than you can claim coincidence. The painful connection, however, was that Atsushi's mother got involved in drug trafficking for a man she loved and indirectly (it's a long story) led to breakdown of Mei's family. It was interesting (although painful) to watch how the cruel consequences of meddling with drugs kept two people, who are destined to be together, apart.


Oh, and Akai Ito came along with a very nice theme song too.

I personally preferred Akai Ito over Koizora because it includes thought-provoking issues such as drug abuse, the importance of a family unit, safe sex, suicide, friendship, and dating violence. It helps that the love story is not too mushy; it was just perfect and heart-warming. Plus, I like how the series introduced much of Japanese culture to the audience, such as cultural festivals, shinto cultures, cosplays, school culture, etc.

I'm definitely picking up the novel.


～みはる～

Big Big World

Of late, I see/hear some of my friends unhappy and down with life's trials and tribulations. And while I think of them and life in general, this song popped into my mind... which I thought was rather apt.

My thoughts are always with you (especially you, G).

I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But I do do feel, That I do do will
Miss you much, Miss you much

I can see the first leafs falling
It's all yellow and nice
It's so very cold outside
Like the way I'm feeling inside

I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But I do do feel, That I do do will
Miss you much, Miss you much

Outside it's now raining
And tears are falling from my eyes
Why did it have to happen
Why did it all have to end

I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But I do do feel, That I do do will
Miss you much, Miss you much

I have your arms around me
Warm like fire
But when I open my eyes......
You're gone

I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But I do do feel, That I do do will
Miss you much, Miss you much

I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But I do feel I will
Miss you much, miss you much

～みはる～

Silverscreen Gems

I meant to do this every time I stepped out of the cinema, but either I couldn't find the time or am just plain lazy. So here, in chronological order, I compiled a short review of the few movies I recently watched and thoroughly appreciated the excellence of its cinematic art.


Yes Man

This is your typical Jim Carrey-comedy. He's still disgustingly funny after so many movies under his belt. What I find attractive was the message of the movie: that sometimes a spontaneous 'yes' can open doors of opportunities for ourselves. To give in to spontaneity may, in some ways and sometimes, enrich not only ours but also others' lives. For a long time, I had not laughed so much in a cinema. You would have thought they had released laughing gas in the theater.
Best Comedy.


崖の上のポニョ　(Ponyo On The Cliff By The Sea)

Of course I wouldn't miss the animation that was claimed the best in year 2008 in Japan. What's more, it's the product of the master Miyazaki Hayao. And the theme song is so cute it makes me want to watch the movie. So I did. As expected, the animation was fantastic. What I really loved was the voice acting. Little Sousuke and Ponyo were marvellous. Especially Sousuke, I love the little boy to bits!! The storyline was okay, very Miyazaki-fantasy style. The art was of course fabulous: almost every frame was hand-drawn! But I didn't really like Ponyo when she's weak on magical powers.... she looks like a frog-monster!
Best Animation.


Slumdog Millionaire

Recently, there's this fad of Hollywood+Bollywood collaborations. Indian actors and cultures are making waves in Hollywood. Not all are fantastic products, but Slumdog Millionaire is one of the best collaborations ever. This movie is, for no better words, fantastic. It plays on a rather cliché theme of lost love and life's hardships. What I find fascinating about this movie was the vivid depiction of the lives of children in the slums and their perspectives in eking a living. Can you hold on to your innocence with no roof and an empty stomach? Would you cave in or stand by to the end protecting your principles and believing in the people who you think you love? I like the ability of the movie to evoke such philosophical notions and yet able to deliver a fairy-tale ending in the end. The credit of the film though, goes to the child casts. They are simply fantastic. Words cannot describe my awe for their brilliant acting. I also loved the way the movie was filmed. The cinematography itself was intensely emotional and heart-wrenching.
Best Cinematography.


Marley & Me

I've been waiting for this movie for quite a while because the trailer seemed so funny. And I wasn't disappointed after such a long wait. Because I've read the book, the storyline was predictable for me, and so I didn't expect much surprise. Well, I was surprised by the fact that I still cried when Marley died in the movie, although I already knew he would! The movie is great with the scenic outdoor shots and fine acting by Aniston and Wilson. It's a rather good family movie, but the book is still better. One thing I liked about the movie was that it raises a very realistic point in life: that sometimes, we give up our dreams for the people we love and often we wondered, is the sacrifice worth it all?
Best Slice-of-Life.


おくりびと ('Okuribito' - Departures)

Can I just say how much I love this movie??
I LOVE this movie!!!
It totally wrecked me. This is probably the movie in which I cried almost nonstop for a good 10mins. The tears just wouldn't stop flowing. My scarf in the end became my towel, soaking up all my tears. Okuribito won the 81st Academy Awards for Best Foreign Film, but I think they should've won the Best Picture. The actors were great, the story was great, the scenery were great, the music was FANTASTIC. With Joe Hisaishi at the hem of the scores, you can expect no less.
Okuribito tells about a cellist-turned-mortician, and how he stood by the job he found to be fulfilling and honorable, despite the social stigma attached to it. I simply loved the way the story weaved the multiple relationships together and perfectly bind all in a very beautiful and satisfactory ending: how the stigma collapsed with his perseverance to pursue a profession so despised by the society, how it helped him reconcile with his estranged father, and how the meaning of the job humbled him as a person. It also shows us just how fragile life is. I haven't watched a Japanese movie this wonderful. Considering it took 10 years to complete the entire production, from the moment actor Masahiro Motoki conceived the idea, this movie is worth far more than 'Best Foreign Film'. A film art coming from such a socially polished society playing such a socially taboo topic, this is a masterpiece, for no better words to describe. I LOVE this movie!
Best-est Movie. Ever.




～みはる～

Depression

Until last month, I subconsciously refused to admit something.

I have been in depression since last December.

Maybe I hadn't seen it on myself. I mean, not everyone can see themselves in depression. Maybe I knew and just didn't want to admit I'm clinically depressed. I mean, I'm not depressed, I'm just... overworked.

But I was depressed.

That is according to the Burns Depression Checklist (BDC). When I first did the BDC, I scored 48%, which put me in the range of 'moderate depression'. Am I worried? Of course I'm worried. I saw the symptoms in myself. I would be moody and down for more than half the time. I was stressed with my work, and felt incredibly put down because nothing I did could meet my own expectations. I felt hopeless, overwhelmed, anxious, guilty, worried, despair, lonely.... all the signature expressions of depression. Almost every other day my mood would plunge rock-bottom and I would cry because I feel so overwhelmed by the conflict that is going on within and around me. While I have been a sensitive person all this while, to get emotional that often was not normal for myself. I could feel the weight on my chest. I was suppressing tears during work. I just felt like I was in the pits - so far down and there's no way I could pull myself out of the trench of emotional and mental despair. I wanted to get out, but I couldn't find the will. I felt like I lost everything - my enthusiasm, my smile, my willpower, my intelligence, my confidence, my soul... myself.

What was particularly worrying to me was that I could feel my friends slipping away from me just as I am slipping away from them. Because I was depressed, my mood was always bad and I'm never in a good state of mind to interact with them and I preferred to not socialize because it wears me out. My health was also not exactly fantastic. I keep getting very bad migraines, which are pulsating headaches that reverberated in my head at an intensity great enough to interfere my work. So much so that when I approached the campus doctor for advice, he referred me to a neurologist at the national neuroscience center. And my memory seems to go from bad to worse; I cannot remember things, I feel my intellect diving several notches below. Looks like there's nothing funny about the acronym 'permanent head damage' for PhD.

I kept asking myself why and how I landed myself in depression. It could have been stress from my PhD confirmation exam. It could have been disappointment with the no-progress of my experiments. It could have been the lost of directionality in my research project. It could have been the difference in mentality in my working relationship with my boss. It could have been the unrealistic expectations I set for myself. It could have been my over-empathizing with other people. It could have been the society's shallow attitude in general. It could have been my insecurities and need to please other people. It could have been deprivation from Japanese classes. It could have been one thousand and one other reasons, but one which I find most apt was, in a friend's words, "burnt out", which subsequently led to my twisted perspective in everyday life.

One thing that led to clearing the dark cloud above my head was the news I've passed my JLPT2 exam. I was happy because I scored above my expectation. I was glad I could give success to my dedicated Japanese teacher for all her hardwork in coaching us. Somehow, the achievement gave me confidence, reassured my strengths and gave me a little joy. I felt useful and hopeful with this accomplishment. The other thing that lifted my spirits was a book by Dr David Burns, 'Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy'. I picked up the book at whim, and as I turned every page, I felt Dr Burns was giving me a psychiatric treatment. He accurately nailed the cause of my depression and suggested methods to overcome depression. I felt hopeful after reading two chapters of his book and somehow through that, I found a little motivation to help myself out of depression.

As I'm writing this, I'm still reading his book and trying to help myself. I've been feeling a bit more cheerful and motivated, although not to say I'm completely out of depression. I also am making a point to not burn myself out, because I find it feeds my frustration. Therefore, I have been getting off work on time, going for regular exercise, and importantly, resuming my favorite Japanese classes. There's something incredibly therapeutic about the Japanese classes conducted by Mizusaki sensei. In short, I make an effort to spend more time on myself because I think I owe it to me.

However, the neurologist appointment remains. I hope the check up will be all clear.

～みはる～

合格できた！

去年の日本語能力試験２級を合格できた！
メールを拾った時胸がどきどきしていて、合格できるかできないか緊張していた。
そして。。。

文字・語彙　： 78/100
聴解　： 81/100
読解・文法　： 170/200
総合点　： 329/400

つまり、やった！！
本当に嬉しかった。やっぱり水崎先生のおかげで、この試験が合格できました。
先生、ありがとう！
じゃ、次は１級で。。。。


Today I finally received my JLPT2 exam score report. I've been sneaking into the School's general office everyday, checking for mail from the Japanese Cultural Society, approaching the pigeon-hole with a racing heart only to be disappointed (or relieved?!) at the empty slot. But today, a single white letter lay there and my heart leaped when I saw the returning address: Japanese Cultural Society.

I would have wanted to rip the letter eagerly to lay rest my agonizing wait for the pass/fail result. But I resist. So, with difficulty, I maintained my composure, took the elevator up to my office and once in my seat, my fingers trembled as I opened the letter. As I quickly unfold the score sheet, my eyes hurriedly skimmed down the page to the little box on the bottom right:

"Passed 合格"

Finally, I breathed a sigh of relief.
I passed the JLPT2! It feels great when your proficiency is acknowledged as pre-advanced level. And what's better was I obtained a score higher than the 300/400 point goal I set for myself: I scored 329 points out of 400! And the icing to the cake? My best scoring paper was.... Reading Comprehension. 170 out of 200 points! The paper I sucked most during my mock-exam practice! (for those uninitiated, Reading Comprehension is usually the part that determines whether you pass or fail JLPT2 because it makes up almost 50% of the total score)

I can only thank Mizusaki-sensei for my success. She's been a great teacher and an influential one to boot. Without her and her dedication for the special JLPT2 class, I don't think I would have the guts to take the JLPT2 exam, what more passing it with such a high score.

Mizusaki-sensei, ARIGATOU!

～みはる～

Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry

Was strolling along city centre with SC when a sweet little girl's voice stopped our tracks. At an open-air bar snuggled in a corner in front of an imposing shopping mall, a live band of three guitarists were strumming to the song of a beautiful voice of a girl no older than ten. We were enthralled by her voice and their pop tune - I fell in love with the song that so fit my mood at that moment in time:

Big Girls Don't Cry
Fergie

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your hometown
I need some shelter of my own protection, baby
To be with myself and center
Clarity, peace, serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry

The path that I'm walkin', I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this had nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misees their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and Uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be mine, Valentine
Yes, you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers
And share our secret worlds

But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself, and center
Clarity, peace, serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry

～みはる～

あけましておめでとう

リーダのみんな様、
あけましておめでとうございます。
去年お世話になりました。
今年もよろしくお願いいたします。

Happy 2009!

～みはる～

Looking back 2008

In a breath, another year has passed by.
It's true that time flies. Before I know it, 2008 is here and gone.

Looking back, 2008 had been an eventful year for me. Tumultuous, even. I had my ups and a lot of downs. I learnt, I matured, I got lost, I struggled, and I am still surviving.

Living in inflating times
In the span of 12 months in 2008, I moved twice, paid exorbitant property rental through my nose, and juggled my finances badly with my meager student salary. Living expenses went through the roof under the pretext of skyrocketing fuel prices, leaving struggling young people like myself to pay for pricier homes, transportation, food, medicare and personal needs. Savings is near impossible. The financial picture was unpleasant enough to bring forth thoughts of quitting PhD studies for a real paying job. However I decided to complete what I started off, which fortunately was a good decision (I think), considering the economic crunch and thinning recruitment. I suppose inflation is a lifestyle challenge every young adult will have to battle in the journey to adulthood?

Work vs Hobby
With the passing months of 2008, I find my enthusiasm for research gradually diminishing. Perhaps I was never passionate about research to start with. It was an escape route to my then 'quarter-life' crisis. I begin to feel functional in my research work; the problem is this, so I have to find a solution yada-yada. Period. In time, it became dreadful to go to work, I did not (and still do not) feel happy going to work.

In contrary, my happiest day of the week is Sunday, when I attend Japanese classes. I love the classes by Maeda Yukiko-sensei and especially Mizusaki Machiko-sensei. Every week I would look forward to Sunday, for the laughter, jokes, and enjoyable learning of Japanese language. Japanese language became (though always had been) my passion. Regardless a regular conversational class, or the intensive JLPT prep class, I just love Japanese classes. And before I knew it, this 1.5 hours of Japanese per week became the sole lifeline that is keeping me away from depression.

That I began feeling this way forces me to rethink my direction in life. Is this what I want for the next several years of my life; the waking up to dreadful mornings, experimenting functionally? Why is it the Japanese classes are making me feeling so much more alive and enthusiastic? What am I doing here? What do I want? What am I supposed to do?

Sadly, I still cannot find the answers. Although, I think I should find it fast because waking up to every morning in dread without genuine enthusiasm to motivate me makes life very difficult to live by.

Friends and foe
I admit I haven't been socializing healthily in this whole year. I see my lab colleagues every day and we have occasional outings, meet up with university mates once a while.... and that's it. Apart from my housemates and a few close friends, I don't think I maintained a sustainable interaction with people around me. Even with close friends, I don't think I engage with them frequent enough, long enough, or deep enough. Busy schedule had always been the primary excuse. It is sad, I know. However, when I become so preoccupied with my own problems and work, I gradually lost touch with myself, which drifted me further from my friends. Compounded with my deteriorating impression on people and human nature, I think I'm starting to develop a general lack of trust for others; I find friends not being there when I'm at my lowest and that I can only depend on myself to save myself. Not that I blame them anyway. But I see friends no different from mere acquaintances; when I am sinking, they all just stand by the sidelines and watch me go down albeit helplessly.

While I well know that is a psychologically dangerous train of thought, most of the time I can't find an ink of sincerity in me to believe in the genuine bond of friendship. Frankly I couldn't believe how cold and cynical I have evolved; I used to naively embrace the joys of friendship and the wonderful companionship it brings. I wonder, where along my life had I lost the innocence and naivety I so miss right now. Nevertheless, I do have a handful of friends whom, by my interaction with them, periodically reminds me that I need them just as much as they need me. To these few, I thank them from the bottom of my heart and I truly treasure them.

In the year 2008, I had my fair share of acquaintances who stirred incredible emotional chaos in me. I've met people with really ridiculously lousy attitude and shallow conduct, who annoyed me so much I experienced serious emotional hijacking for the first time in my life. In retrospect, my interaction with them taught me soft skills I never knew I'd need and trained my patience. It's because of them I saw the need to re-evaluate my emotional and mental self. While I still hold rather poor regard on them, I sincerely thank them for showing me my weaknesses.

Shrinking EQ
2008 had been turbulent for me in terms of emotional well-being. It's like a violent ride of emotional see-saw. There are rare moments that I'm very happy, but a lot of time was spent entertaining negativity. I became much more short-tempered and get angry rather easily. It was bad to the point that I think I might have been experiencing mild depression. There were times I would feel emotionally overwhelmed and end up crying without knowing what the trigger was. Other times, I would feel easily insulted by remarks that wouldn't usually bother me much; somehow, for reasons I'm unclear, the hurt and pain get amplified so many times resulting in my uncharacteristic huge reaction towards the offender.

In retrospect, I think I lost control of my emotional self somewhere along the way. I had not intended for my emotions to run amok, but the flaws and faults in my character were not corrected and had most likely resulted in this emotional hijacking. (I kinda suspected it may have been compounded by some kind of clinical dysfunction, like hormonal imbalance, but that's for the doctor to tell me...)

Losing my emotional self makes me feel vulnerable and fragile; I lose my sense of self. While I'm far from recovering, I'm trying very hard to repair the damage before it destroys me in its stranglehold.

In a nutshell
Looking back, it had been a difficult year. Though not completely gloomy, it did drain a lot of energy from my inner self. I felt I had lost a lot of youth and zeal in threading through this 'prime time' of my life. It makes me feel tired and old.
I long for an enthusiastic and energetic life.
I long for good times and close bonds with friends.
I long for a goal I can wake up eagerly to every morning.
I long for a peaceful mind and heart.

And such is life that we have many things we long for, and they can come to us but at hefty price. I hope to face the new year with a better frame of mind, clear heart, and renewed enthusiasm for life. I will continue to seek for answers to my unanswered questions, fix my flaws and faults, and regain sight of myself.

I think what I really need is a long break to rejuvenate my weary soul.

Hopefully, 2009 won't be suckier than what 2008 was already.

～みはる～

A Lie The Truth

When pain is all the body remembers,
And tears fall in spite memory blurs.

When the line between right and wrong disappears,
And the heart and mind succumbs to nothingness,
Lingering behind only in emptiness.

When a smile is a mask,
And a laugh is a farce,
A word a lie,
And a lie the truth.

～みはる～

平成２０日本語能力試験２級

今朝平成２０の日本語能力試験２級を無事でやって終わりました。
昨夜からずっと緊張していて、なかなか眠れなかったが、なんとかなりました。
「文字・語彙」と「文法」へんが自信が持っていたんですが、一番よく練習したの「聴解」はちょっとひどかったよ。がんばってちゃんと聞くんけど、ある会話の内容をとれなかったの。
しかし、一番うれしいのは「読解」です。いつも練習するときとても下手にやったが、今日のは少なくとも文章の内容がほとんどわかりました。でも、答えは正解かはずれか知らないから、ちょっと心配だ。

まあ、もう試験が終わったから、しょうがないな。
正直、あたしは水崎先生にとても感謝しました。先生のおかげで、たくさん勉強をできるし、ほとんど大事なポイントを覚えてきました。先生、ありがとうございました！

さあ、試験を合格できるかできないかあと三ヶ月ぐらいし、そのまでに、日本語の勉強をがんばってつづけているものだ！

I've finished my JLPT2 exam!
Crammed A LOT of grammar and vocabulary into my head, and probably used only 50% of it this morning. Didn't have much problem with the first paper (Writing & Vocabulary), but to my dismay, Listening was not as easy as expected. There were a few questions where I'd be listening very intently and then go, "hahh?" at the conversation ending abruptly without catching the answer at all. Oshii!

Anyway, I'm kinda happy with the last (and most difficult) paper, Reading Comprehension & Grammar. I thought this paper is kinda a goner because the Comprehension part takes up almost 50% of the entire exam and I am terrible at it. Imagine, the time limit for the paper is 70mins, and during my practice with past year papers, I took 70mins for 25 out of 65 questions. I had some sort of a mental preparation that I wouldn't be able to finish the paper and may have to resort to picking either A,B,C or D by complete random guessing. To my pleasant surprise, I managed to finish every single question in the nick of time.

Think I'll be able to pass, just hoping to score higher than the passing percentage. And if I do, I have MZ-sensei to thank. She's the best-est Japanese teacher EVER!!

Sensei, arigatou!!

～みはる～

むかつく

There's a newcomer, Z, in the lab whom I have to babysit and whom I'd like to clobber.
In just two days, Z managed to severely irritate a good-natured resident (yours sincerely) with a smart-alecky attitude and long-winded speeches.

I wish Z would just shut the hell up and listen to what I have to convey before interjecting me at every 5 seconds with her great knowledge. And learn to take a hint when I'm not receptive to her damn long stories. Some of us have lots of work and are very busy, okay?

Argh, I need to let off steam.

On a side note, will be busy preparing for JLPT Level 2.
The amount of vocabulary and grammar to memorize is just insane!!!

～みはる～

Mumbai terrorism

For some unknown reason, I grieve for the lives lost in the Mumbai terrorist attack.

In the face of today's society, where smattering of terrorist attacks erupt here and there from time to time, I had become quite immune to news of terrorism. I mean, it is so frequent, especially in politically unstable countries, that there is no longer an element of surprise or sympathy.

But strangely, when news of foreigners being indiscriminately killed by terrorists in Mumbai broke out, it evoked fear, pain and sadness in me. As the hours crawl by and the figure of foreigners killed in cold blood continue to rise in leaps, this great magnitude of sadness gripped my heart. How can innocent lives be lost to cold-blood murder?

I pray for the souls of the innocent, who were at the wrong place at the wrong time.
I pray for the safety of the hostages, who are still at the mercy of the killers and clinging on to a hope for life.

The cold-blooded terrorists must be damned.
They have just robbed more than 150 families of their loved ones, orphaned hundreds of children, all without a single trace of remorse. What have our society become of?

I cry for the lives so unjustly lost.

～みはる～

David Garret

The new definition of dreamy cool man.



I'm still in awe.

～みはる～

AIDS awareness

You've got to hand it to Andy Lau for coming up with something like this.
Creativity elevates AIDS awareness campaign to greater heights.



Most interesting community-service commercial ever.

～みはる～