ふっかつ

。。。そう思ったんですけど。

Yes, I've climbed out of my little 'quarter-life crisis' (if it's a crisis at all)...
Yes, I've a backlog of stuff to blog (if I bother at all)...
Yes, this is my fukkatsu (Japanese for resurrection).

Let's see, where should I start.

The cause of this mini 'depression'?
I think it's a common sickness amongst people my age. Where you come to the end of a 'programme' that took 4 years of your human life and are pressed to make the pivotal decision of moving the next piece on Life's Chess Board, which incidentally launches the next 'programme' that would take several more years of your human life before landing you in 'mid-life crisis'. (Come to think of it this way, life really sucks. I mean, there's a crisis every quarter of your life!)

Yes, I was uncertain of what I wanted to do after my Bachelor's.
I've attained a decent degree with decent honours. Yay.
I'm part of the graduating batch with the coveted "Highly-valued, Much-sought-after Graduate" slogan stamped on our foreheads. Yay.
I've no idea what to do after graduation. Yay.

It disturbed me that my peers are jumping enthusiastically into the workforce with (what seemed to me) great ambitions for career and money-making. Don't get me wrong. I think it's great. What I think wasn't so great was why I didn't feel the same. Many of my peers told me they secured jobs even before the final exams or prior graduation. Yea, I'm happy for them. But being around these people gives me the pressure. What, do these people know what they want to do with their life, for life, already? Is there something wrong with me not knowing what I want to do with my life, for life, yet? The next thing you know, day passes by day, and then your peers with secured jobs peer down condescendingly at you and say 'What, you still haven't got a paying job yet?' or 'You still don't know what to do? Tsk tsk'. Before you know, these questions come hitting down on you, 'You're still being paid so low??' or 'You're not married yet??'. Bam!! It's mid-life crisis.

While I think I had overreacted at some point there, all these judgemental mindset depressed me when I already felt utterly lost and empty without such great ambitions. And for those of you who had little bouts of depression before, you'll know that these negative emotions affect literally every other thing that you do daily. I wasn't able to totally relax during my holiday in Tokyo, and even after returning home for a sabbatical, I was still bogged down by the negativity coming from myself and the society I live in. No matter how hard I tried to restrain my frustrations, I became tensed, snap-ish, and my anger easily stoked (in retrospect, I think hormones played a part too. Hmm. Anyway). Sometimes it became so overwhelming I just cried for no reason.

I supposed the first part of my lifeline would be an article in a Sunday newspaper featuring a quirky Lama who's currently preaching back in my country. They wrote about how he used his unconventional approach to preach dharma - which in summary, is about how we affect our lives and the lives of people in contact with us. Taking the lead from the article, I bought a book written by this Lama, Tsem Tulku Rinpoche, which I felt had alot of relevance to my situation: Nothing Changes, Everything Changes. I wouldn't say the book totally changed me into a new person or automatically helped me make life's important decisions, but the book gave a perspective from another standpoint of view. After reading that book, I realized that my being in this depression is not only affecting me but the people around me. So basically, I reeked bad aura that would not help me progress in my life, or my 'quarter-life crisis' for that matter; instead, people are going to dislike the hotwire I've become and my yucky aura will serve nothing but bury me deeper in depression.

So, I muster enough courage to stand up and face the options that I have laid in front of me and did my homework to make the decision of moving my piece in Life's Chess Board. To cut short the pains and sorrow and all unpleasant aura surrounding the decision-making, I've finally resolved to pursue the PhD offer and vow to spread good aura. I will devote myself to making my decision worthwhile and remind myself that whatever crisis that comes in the future, I will take things one at a time and not reek bad aura. I supposed it wasn't easy coming to this stage of enlightenment, so to speak, without the support of the people who had gladly hear me singing my sorrows (metaphorically), especially my FYP mentor and colleagues and supervisor, whom all had made me feel alot better. Their warmth had been the second part of my lifeline.

Although I feel more positive now, I can only say I'm still learning everyday in facing life's trials and tribulations. I tell myself each day that people may judge me, but that just means either they are shallow, or they are giving me a perspective from their standpoint. In the end, I want to make a decision, which in 10 years down the road when I ask myself why I had chosen that decision, that I would be able to answer to myself. It may not have been the best decision, or the happiest path - but it would definitely be something I will never regretted doing.

～みはる～