Showing posts with label Musings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Musings. Show all posts
3

A truckload of dung

Time and again has this tale of wisdom saved me from despair. The truth reminded with such gentleness and compassion had given me much comfort and I hope that it will do the same to anyone who needs it.

A truckload of dung
by Ajahn Brahm

"Unpleasant things, like coming bottom of our class, happen in life. They happen to everyone. The only difference between a happy person and one who gets depressed is how they respond to disasters. 

Imagine you have just had a wonderful afternoon at the beach with a friend. When you return home, you find a huge truckload of dung has been dumped right in front of your door. There are three things to know about this truckload of dung:

1. You did not order it. It's not your fault.
2. You are stuck with it. No one saw who dumped it, so you cannot call anyone to take it away.
3. It is filthy and offensive, and its stench fills your whole house. It is almost impossible to endure.

In this metaphor, the truckload of dung in front of the house stands for the traumatic experiences that are dumped on us in life. As with the truckload of dung, there are three things to know about tragedy in our life:

1. We did not order it. We say 'Why me?'
2. We're stuck with it. No one, not even our best friends, can take it away (though they may try).
3. It is so awful, such a destroyer of our happiness, and its pain fills our whole life. It is almost impossible to endure.

There are two ways of responding to being stuck with a truckload of dung. The first way is to carry the dung around with us. We put some in our pockets, some in our bags, and some up our shirts. We even put some down our pants. We find when we carry dung around, we lose a lot of friends! Even best friends don't seem to be around so often.

'Carrying around the dung' is a metaphor for sinking into depression, negativity or anger. It is a natural and understandable response to adversity. But we lose a lot of friends, because it is also natural and understandable our friends don't like being around us when we're so depressed. Moreover, the pile of dung gets no less, but the smell gets worse as it ripens. 

Fortunately, there's a second way. When we are dumped with a truckload of dung, we heave a sigh, and then get down to work. Out come the wheelbarrow, the fork and the spade. We fork the dung into the barrow, wheel it around the back of the house, and dig it into the garden. This is tiring and difficult work, but we know there's no other option. Sometimes, all we can manage is half a barrow a day. We're doing something about the problem, rather than complaining our way into depression. Day after day we dig into the dung. Day after day, the pile gets smaller. Sometimes, it takes several years, but the morning does come when we see that the dung in front of our house is all gone. Furthermore, a miracle has happened in another part of our house. The flowers in our garden are bursting out in a richness of colour all over the place. Their fragrance wafts down the street so that the neighbours, and even passers-by, smile in delight. Then the fruit tree in the corner is nearly falling over, it's so heavy with fruit. And the fruit is so sweet; you can't buy anything like it. There's so much of it that we are able to share it with our neighbours. Even passers-by get a delicious taste of the miracle fruit. 

'Digging in the dung' is a metaphor for welcoming the tragedies as fertiliser for life. It is work that we have to do alone; no one can help us here. But by digging it into the garden of our heart, day by day, the pile of pain gets less. It may take us several years, but the morning does come when we see no more pain in our life and, in our heart, a miracle has happened. Flowers of kindness are bursting out all over the place, and the fragrance of love wafts way down our street, to our neighbours, to our relations and even to passers-by. Then our wisdom tree in the corner is bending down to us, loaded with sweet insights into the nature of life. We share those delicious fruits freely, even with the passers-by, without ever planning to.

When we have known tragic pain, learnt its lesson and grown our garden, then we can put our arms around another in deep tragedy and say, softly, 'I know.' They realise we do understand. Compassion begins. We show them the wheelbarrow, the fork and the spade, and boundless encouragement. If we haven't grown our own garden yet, this can't be done.

I have known many monks who are skilled in meditation, who are peaceful, composed and serene in adversity. But only a few have become great teachers. I often wondered why.

It seems to me now that those monks who had a relatively easy time of it, who had little dung to dig in, were the ones who didn't become teachers. It was the monks who had the enormous difficulties, dug them in quietly, and came through with a rich garden that became great teachers. They all had wisdom, serenity and compassion; but those with more dung had more to share with the world. My teacher, Ajahn Chah, who for me was the pinnacle of all teachers, must have had a whole trucking company line up with their dung at his door, in his early life.

Perhaps the moral of this story is that if you want to be of service to the world, if you wish to follow the path of compassion, then the next time a tragedy occurs in your life, you may say, 'Whoopee! More fertiliser for my garden!'

- extracted from Opening The Door Of Your Heart.

3

Freedom from fear

"The possibilities for the future are infinite. When we focus on the unfortunate possibilities, that's called fear. When we remember the other possibilities, which are usually more likely, that's called freedom from fear."

- Ajahn Brahm
4

Within

"Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without."
- Buddha
17

Can you?


Can you look into the eye of a person whom you once believe you can no longer trust?


9

2011

Time flies.
Photobucket 
It's unbelievable how time seemed to have sneaked past me unnoticed. Twelve Gregorian months over in a blink of an eye and here we are again - between the end of the year and the beginning of another. 

A great deal had happened this year, but I still cannot quite grasp it all. So many things occurred so quickly, the significance of all the events probably have not quite sink in yet.

For me, 2011 will be archived along the other years that are remembered for the novel experiences I deeply cherish. 

It is a year I struggled through incredible highs and lows in writing up my doctoral dissertation. I had many lessons on scientific writing, deadlines and expectations, as well as mental and emotional strength and how friendly support can tide one miserable graduate student through the worst of times.

It is a year I discovered that having someone special does make the days seem a lot lovelier than they really are. I had a taste of growing in a relationship with someone and re-learned the notion of trust and was pleasantly rewarded with many memorable experiences.

It is a year I learnt to appreciate the present. Many incidences highlighted the impermanence of the past, the unpredictability of the future and the fragility of the present. While I do not subscribe to submission to fate, I am not arrogant either to believe we are invulnerable to fate. So, today is what I have, and I want to appreciate every present moment like it will be my last. 

It's been a year full of memorable experiences. I love 2011 for all the good and the bad, and am looking forward to an exciting 2012 ahead.

Cheers to a happy new year!


It's funny how from simple things...

...the best things begin.
4

This too will pass

One of the most priceless of teachings that helps with depression, is also one of the simplest. But teachings that seem simple are easy to misunderstand. Only when we are finally free from depression can we claim to have truly understood the following story.

The new prisoner was afraid and very depressed. The stone walls of his cell soaked up any warmth; the hard iron bars sneered at all compassion; the jarring collision of steel, as many gates closed, locked hope beyond reach. His heart sank as low as his sentence stretched long. On the wall, by the head of his cot, he saw scratched in stone the following words:

THIS TOO WILL PASS.

These words pulled him through, as they must have supported the prisoner before him. No matter how hard it got, he would look at the inscription and remember, 'This too will pass.' On the day he was released, he knew the truth of those words. His time was completed; jail too had passed.

As he regained his life, he often thought about the message, writing it on bits of paper to leave by his bedside, in his car and at work. Even when times were bad, he never got depressed. He simply remembered, 'This too will pass', and struggled on through. The bad times never seemed to last all that long. Then when good times came he enjoyed them, but never too carelessly. Again he remembered, 'This too will pass', and so carried on working at his life, taking nothing for granted. The good times always seemed to last uncommonly long.

Even when he got cancer, 'This too will pass' gave him hope. Hope gave him strength and the positive attitude to beat the disease. One day the specialist confirmed that 'the cancer too had passed'.

At the end of his days, on his death bed, he whispered to his loved ones, 'This too will pass', and settled easily into death. His words were his last gift of love to his family and friends. They learned from him that 'grief too will pass'.

Depression is a prison that many of us pass through. 'This too will pass' helps us pull through. It also avoids one of the great causes of depression, which is taking the happy times too much for granted.

- Ajahn Brahm


3

Love's gift

Love's gift cannot be given, it waits to be accepted.
- Rabindranath Tagore


The depth and tenderness of that quote struck me deeply as I witnessed an old friend taking a ceremonious step into married life.

It's strange to watch someone you have known for over two decades standing there in front, vowing to stay with another person for life. Not weird-strange. Just, happy-strange. Tender-strange, maybe.

It's like, we were once carefree, innocent children, running around screaming and playing without a care for the world. The laughter, the mischief, the tantrums, the tears, the hugs, the childlike wonder.

And now, we are carefree children no longer. We do not run around screaming and playing anymore. No more mischief, tantrums, carefree world. We are adults, bounded by responsibilities, burden, worries, problems of the world.

But when I am with her, I seem to forget we are adults with heavy burdens. She is still the same carefree innocent friend I used to play with over 20 years ago. My time stopped there with her; we are still two 7-year-olds running around with childlike wonder.

And as I watched her standing there, hand-in-hand with the love of her life, I feel so much joy my heart can't contain. My eyes brimmed with tears of happiness. I am still filled with childlike wonder, at my carefree innocent friend getting married. I am just so happy she found someone to share her life with. The beautiful glow on my friend's face today taught me one thing:

"Love's gift cannot be given, it waits to be accepted."

Photobucket

Congratulations, Grace. I wish you an everlasting and blessed married life!

4

Reframing perspectives

We all live our lives as if we are immortals, don't you think so?

There is so much we need and want to do, there's never enough time in a day to do all of them. And so, we plan for them to be done tomorrow and in the future.
I will take my child to that playground tomorrow, after I get this budget done.
I will bring my mother for that medical examination next week, after I submit this job proposal.
I will make that call to my friend next month, after I complete this project for this important client.

With so much to be done, we are always on a constant chase for time and so are almost perpetually stressed, agitated, calloused, and sometimes unreasonably demanding on the people around us and on ourselves.
Can't you wait patiently, I said I will take you to that playground tomorrow!
Why are you so selfish, can't you see my work is more important than that routine check up of yours?
I haven't got time to call you, my client needs this blueprint this week, and no, I can't spend an hour chatting with you, my every minute is worth more than gold.


But what if we don't have tomorrow, next week, or next month? What if all that we have is only today and now?

We put things off into the future because we all know our expiry date is sometime in the distant future. So distant that it seems like forever far; it gives the illusion of us being immortals. Not just us, but also the people around us.

But life do not always go according to plan. Things can happen to throw life off track. And sometimes remind us that our expiry date may be a lot nearer than we'd like to believe, that it's not in the far distant future.

When faced with that fact, that we are mortals and could well be gone in a blink of an eye, we start questioning what is important in our lives. What matters to us most, today and now?

Seeing the smiles of the people I like matters to me.
Hearing the voice of the people I care matters to me.
Holding the people I love matters to me.
Listening to kind words matter to me.
Sharing a joke or sad news with someone matters to me.
Feeling the warmth of the sun and the gentleness of the breeze matters to me.
Breathing in the air, wriggling my fingers, looking at the blue sky, listening to laughter, smelling the floral fragrance matters to me.

They matter to me because they tell me I'm blessed to be still alive when many are not.
They matter to me because they tell me I'm blessed to be still loved when many are not.

Many things do not matter anymore when faced with our mortality.

Reframe your perspectives.
What matters to you, today and now?
7

What the Modern Woman Wants

I happened to stumble into this blog and read this piece of prize-winning essay written by a 15-year-old Singaporean student. All I can say is that I admire the young lady who authored this piece, but I salute the woman who raised this child.

I pinched the essay to share it here, so it is in no way mine.

*****
What the Modern Woman Wants...
By Amanda Chong Wei-Zhen

The old woman sat in the backseat of the magenta convertible as it careened down the highway, clutching tightly to the plastic bag on her lap, afraid it may be kidnapped by the wind.

She was not used to such speed, with trembling hands she pulled the seat belt tighter but was careful not to touch the patent leather seats with her callused fingers, her daughter had warned her not to dirty it, 'Fingerprints show very clearly on white, Ma.'

Her daughter, Bee Choo, was driving and talking on her sleek silver mobile phone using big words the old woman could barely understand. 'Finance', 'Liquidation', 'Assets', 'Investments'... Her voice was crisp and important and had an unfamiliar lilt to it.

Her Bee Choo sounded like one of those foreign girls on television. She was speaking in an American accent. The old lady clucked her tongue in disapproval......

'I absolutely cannot have this. We have to sell!' Her daughter exclaimed agitatedly as she stepped on the accelerator; her perfectly manicured fingernails gripping onto the steering wheel in irritation.

'I can't DEAL with this anymore!' she yelled as she clicked the phone shut and hurled it angrily toward the backseat. The mobile phone hit the old woman on the forehead and nestled soundlessly into her lap. She calmly picked it up and handed it to her daughter.

'Sorry, Ma,' she said, losing the American pretence and switching to Mandarin. 'I have a big client in America . There have been a lot of problems.'

The old lady nodded knowingly. Her daughter was big and important.

Bee Choo stared at her mother from the rear view window, wondering what she was thinking. Her mother's wrinkled countenance always carried the same cryptic look.

The phone began to ring again, an artificially cheerful digital tune, which broke the awkward silence.

'Hello, Beatrice! Yes, this is Elaine.'
Elaine. The old woman cringed. I didn't name her Elaine. She remembered her daughter telling her, how an English name was very important for 'networking', Chinese ones being easily forgotten.

'Oh no, I can't see you for lunch today. I have to take the ancient relic to the temple for her weird daily prayer ritual.'

Ancient Relic. The old woman understood perfectly it was referring to her. Her daughter always assumed that her mother's silence meant she did not comprehend.

'Yes, I know! My car seats will be reeking of joss sticks!'

The old woman pursed her lips tightly, her hands gripping her plastic bag in defence. The car curved smoothly into the temple courtyard. It looked almost garish next to the dull sheen of the ageing temple's roof.

The old woman got out of the back seat, and made her unhurried way to the main hall. Her daughter stepped out of the car in her business suit and stilettos and reapplied her lipstick as she made her brisk way to her mother's side.

'Ma, I'll wait outside.. I have an important phone call to make,' she said, not bothering to hide her disgust at the pungent fumes of incense.

The old lady hobbled into the temple hall and lit a joss stick, she knelt down solemnly and whispered her now familiar daily prayer to the Gods. 'Thank you God of the Sky, you have given my daughter luck all these years. Everything I prayed for, you have given her. She has everything a young woman in this world could possibly want.

'She has a big house with a swimming pool, a maid to help her, as she is too clumsy to sew or cook. Her love life has been blessed; she is engaged to a rich and handsome angmoh man.

'Her company is now the top financial firm and even men listen to what she says... She lives the perfect life. You have given her everything except happiness. I ask that the gods be merciful to her even if she has lost her roots while reaping the harvest of success.

'What you see is not true, she is a filial daughter to me. She gives me a room in her big house and provides well for me. She is rude to me only because I affect her happiness. A young woman does not want to be hindered by her old mother. It is my fault.'

The old lady prayed so hard that tears welled up in her eyes. Finally, with her head bowed in reverence she planted the half-burnt joss stick into an urn of smoldering ashes.

She bowed once more. The old woman had been praying for her daughter for thirty-two years. When her stomach was round like a melon, she came to the temple and prayed that it was a son.

Then the time was ripe and the baby slipped out of her womb, bawling and adorable with fat thighs and pink cheeks, but unmistakably, a girl. Her husband had ticked and punched her for producing a useless baby who could not work or carry the family name.

Still, the woman returned to the temple with her new-born girl tied to her waist in a sarong and prayed that her daughter would grow up and have everything she ever wanted.

Her husband left her and she prayed that her daughter would never have to depend on a man. She prayed every day that her daughter would be a great woman, the woman that she, meek and uneducated, could never become.

A woman with 'neng kan '; the ability to do anything she set her mind to. A woman who commanded respect in the hearts of men. When she opened her mouth to speak, precious pearls would fall out and men would listen.

She will not be like me, the woman prayed as she watched her daughter grow up and drift away from her, speaking a language she scarcely understood.

She watched her daughter transform from a quiet girl to one who openly defied her, calling her laotu, old fashioned.... She wanted her mother to be 'modern', a word so new there was no Chinese word for it.
Now her daughter was too clever for her and the old woman wondered why she had prayed like that. The Gods had been faithful to her persistent prayer, but the wealth and success that poured forth so richly had buried the girl's roots and now she stood faceless with no identity, bound to the soil of her ancestors by only a string of origami banknotes.

Her daughter had forgotten her mother's value. Her wants were so ephemeral, that of a modern woman. Power, wealth, access to the best fashion boutiques and yet her daughter had not found true happiness. The old woman knew that you could find happiness with much less.

When her daughter left the earth, everything she had would count for nothing. People would look to her legacy and say that she was a great woman but she would be forgotten once the wind blows over, like the ashes of burnt paper convertibles and mansions.

The old woman wished she could go back and erase all her big hopes and prayers for her daughter now that she had looked out of the temple gates. She saw her daughter speaking on the phone, her brow furrowed with anger and worry. Being at the top is not good, the woman thought, there is only one
way to go from there –down.

The old woman carefully unfolded the plastic bag and spread out a packet of beehoon in front of the altar. Her daughter often mocked her for worshiping porcelain Gods. How could she pray to them so faithfully and expect pieces of ceramic to fly to her aid?

But her daughter had her own gods too, idols of wealth, success and power that she enslaved to and worshiped every day of her life.

Every day was a quest for the idols, and the idols she worshiped counted for nothing in eternity. All the wants her daughter had would slowly suck the life out of her and leave her, an empty souless shell at the altar.
The old woman watched the joss stick. The dull heat had left a teetering grey stem that was on the danger of collapsing.

Modern woman nowadays, the old lady signed in resignation, as she bowed to the east bone a final time to end her ritual. Modern woman nowadays want so much that they lose their souls and wonder whey they cannot find it.

Her joss stick disintegrated into a soft grey powder. She met her daughter outside the temple, the same look of worry and frustration was etched on her daughter's face.

An empty expression, as if she was ploughing through the soil of her wants looking for the one thing that would sown the seeds of happiness. They climbed into the convertible in silence and her daughter drove along the highway, this time not to fast as she had done before.

‘Ma,’ Bee Choo finally said. 'I don't know how to put this. Mark and I have been talking about it and we plan to move out of the big house. The property market is good now, and we managed to get a buyer willing to pay us seven million for it. We decided we'd prefer a cosier penthouse apartment instead. We found a perfect one in Orchard Road . Once we move into our apartment, we plan to get rid of the maid, so we can have more space to ourselves...'

The old woman nodded knowingly. Bee Choo swallowed hard. 'We'd get someone to come in to do the housework and we can eat out – but once the maid is gone, there won't be anyone to look after you. You will be awfully lonely at home and, besides that the apartment is rather small. There won't be space. We thought about it for a long time, and we decided the best thing for you is if you moved to a Home. There's one near Hougang – it's a Christian home and a very nice one.'

The old woman did not raise an eyebrow.
'I"ve been there, the matron is willing to take you in. It's beautiful with gardens and lots of old people to keep you company! Hardly have time for you, you'd be happier
there. You'd be happier there, really.' her daughter repeated as if to affirm herself.

This time the old woman had no plastic bag of food offering to cling tightly to, she bit her lip and fastened her seat belt, as if it would protect her from a daughter who did not want her anymore. She sunk deep into the leather seat, letting her shoulders sag and her fingers trace the white seat.

'Ma,' her daughter asked, searching the rear view window for her mother. 'Is everything okay?'

What had to be done, had to be done.
'Yes' she said firmly, louder than she intended, 'if it will make you happy,' she added more quietly.

‘It's for you, Ma! You will be happier there. You can move there tomorrow, I already got the maid to pack your things.'

Elaine said triumphantly, mentally ticking yet another item off her agenda. 'I knew everything would be fine.' Elaine smiled widely; she felt liberated. Perhaps getting rid of her mother would make her happier...

She had thought about it. It seemed the only hindrance in her pursuit of happiness. She was happy now. She had everything a modern woman ever wanted; money, status, career, love, power and now freedom without her mother and her old-fashioned ways to weigh her down...

Yes she was free. Her phone butted urgently, she picked it up and read the message, still beaming from ear to ear.

'Stock 10% increase.' Yes, things were definitely beginning to look up for her and while searching for the meaning of life in the luminance of her hand phone screen, the old woman in the backseat became invisible and she did not see her in tears.

*****
2

Detached

Imagine there's this sharp blade that, some time ago, cuts deeply into your flesh and leaves a bloody wound and a hell of pain. With time, there left only a scar to remember by.

Then one day, you happened to pick up the same sharp blade. And intentionally stab the same scar, just to see how it feels.

There's no feeling.
No matter how you stab, there's no feeling.


It feels oddly...detached.
Wasn't it supposed to hurt like hell? It's strange to not feel the pain.

Have I come to be good at dealing with it?
Or have I become completely numbed by it?

It's just so strange to feel detached.
3

24 months

I don't know from when in my life, I seemed to have change the lens of how I look and feel about my everyday life. But I'm quite sure it happened some time in between the last 24 months.

I don't know what specifically brought about that shift in perspective. But I'm quite sure it is the people who walked in or out of my life between the last 24 months.

I don't know how the whole shift in perspective happened. But I'm quite sure it had been my being pushed to the brink, the collapse of my self, my refusal to be sucked into the depths of misery, my acceptance to flow with flaws instead of putting up a fight every single time, somewhere between the last 24 months.

It must have been some time between the last 24 months.

~みはる~


8

2010.

Another year end. Another one of these 'reflection' posts.

Sitting here, trying to recall what my last 356 days had been like, I reread my posts for the year-ends of previous years. I'm horrified and amused at the same time, seeing on print, the way I reflected at those years. Makes me a tad uncertain how I should do it this year.

2010. It's been a decade since the turn of the millennium. Seems like it had been such a long time, yet so quick time flies, it could have been yesterday we were worrying about the silly Y2K bug. For me, this ten years is probably the most meaningful ten years in my life so far. Standing at the end of 2010 looking back at the start of 2000, I don't think I have the vocabulary to succinctly describe the experience. As I run through the ten years, I do feel substantially aged, but somehow, feel like I am only beginning to understand what life really is. Perhaps I'm a slow learner, but I am only starting to grasp all that ten years worth of stuff life's been heaping on me. (yes, more than half my youth, I was in absolute daze.) It's been a mere ten years, but I have witnessed so many changes in and around me, I still can't quite fully fathom.

I stepped into 2000 a student, and step out of 2010 still a student, albeit a different kind of level. (oh no, this isn't good)

I stepped into 2000 with friends still in school uniforms and complaining about insane amount of homework, and step out of 2010 with friends in wedding gowns and complaining about insane financing needed to buy property and raise a child.

I stepped into 2000 immature, excited and naive about reaching adulthood, and step out of 2010 (hopefully) a little wiser, mellowed and wishing to relive my childhood.

If you were asked to describe the last ten years of your life, what would instantly come to mind? Being an emotional person, my instant association was the spectrum of emotions I had experienced. The laughters and happy times, the tears and sad times, the anger and frustrating times, the fear and despairing times... I find it amazing how, in retrospect, all of it becomes equally nostalgic; it's like they become the old photographs in the old photo album I am now flipping through. And these emotions, they link to the things I have done or experienced that are particularly memorable. So I look back at the 30 most memorable experiences of my 2010 (ten years is too difficult for my ageing brain to recall), and this is what my list is like:

1. My first 10km run in my personal record time of 1hr 12min 25s, which places me 1140th among 4186 women. Not bad for a debut!

2. Grocery shopping at midnight after drinking in a bar.

3. Drank 6 glasses of wine in a little more than an hour, and then somehow managed to get on a bus and walk a straight line to a French school to inquire about French courses, hopped on a bus to do grocery shopping and then somehow managed to walk safely home after transiting in train and bus again.

4. Cooked for a party of ten. Thrice.

5. Got my first Apple product, an iPhone4, on the day of its launching. (I'm never the gadget geek and I'm surprised I did that)

6. Scaled the Notre-Dame Cathedral for the most breathtaking view of Paris.

7. Scaled the Arc de Triomphe for the postcard view of Champs-Elysees.

8. Traveled to my third European country, Belgium, to have a Belgian tea of Belgian waffles and Belgian beer in a quaint Belgian town.

9. Climbed a medieval bell tower for a panoramic view of the UNESCO heritage town, Bruges.

10. Got tanned in (of all places) Paris.

11. Had homemade ratatouille from the fantastic chaucuterie in Montmatre. Madame's French comfort food is tres bien!

12. Tried Kir, a French cocktail, in Paris. Twice. Totally love it.

13. Watched Sir Simon Rattle and Berliner Philharmoniker live in concert.

14. Watched Tan Dun conduct the world premiere of his Violin Concerto with Singapore Symphony Orchestra.

15. Watched Joshua Bell play with Academy of St. Martin-in-the-fields. Twice.

16. Got an autograph and photograph with Joshua Bell. Very star-strucked.

17. Watched my first Broadway musical: Chicago. Fantastic!

18. Watched my first theater: Animal Farm. For a local production, I was impressed.

19. Had a taste of heartache.

20. Broken some treasured friendships.

21. Rediscovered old friendships.

22. Went kayaking and finished with very sunburnt feet.

23. Made a globe purely out of bacterial agar. And discovered that Bradford's reagent actually destabilizes agarose.

24. Drank 3 glasses of wine, stayed up all night chatting, after which went jogging at the break of dawn and then drinking again in a bar at night. (I hope mum never finds out)

25. Did a short stint of kickboxing classes.

26. A student declaring 'I love you!' to me... actually, for my classes.

27. A bunch of students confessing they missed me lots... actually, my classes.

28. Had chocolate pellets for a drink.

29. Walked Monet's iconic garden in Giverny.

30. Rediscovered the joy of spontaneity and unrestrained laughter with many friends who made much difference in my life.


I think I shall extend my list for 2011 with more memorable experiences.
Here's to a wonderful 2010 and a promising 2011.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

~みはる~


2

Brick wall & Ladder

A while ago, I was telling a friend how I think my life and learning experience is shaped by two equally important groups of people: first being my family, and second being my teachers and friends and even mere acquaintances. Although I may not be one to be quick to realize, I do feel very blessed to have so many life 'teachers' in the form of people I love (friends) and people I am not particularly fond of (not really enemies, but let's say, we don't see eye-to-eye).

However, sometimes I wonder how far friendships go. Don't get me wrong, I think friends are wonderful and friendships keep us cheerfully alive and even work magic in every possible dimension of our lives. But I think there are some things in life where friends can get you only that far; the rest of the journey you have to travel alone. Let me illustrate my thoughts in an analogy of a ladder and brick wall.


If life was a path lined with overgrown hedges and intersections forked at random intervals, then successes would be clearings with bright blooms lining your path, and setbacks would be solid brick walls that block your path from time to time. What problems could you have with a well-defined path and flowers blooming everywhere? (except if you're allergic to pollen, of course) It's the solid brick walls that gives us issues. It's solid stone in the middle of your way, for goodness sake, why wouldn't it be a problem? It's daunting and looks impossibly difficult to climb over. Well, if you're lucky, you get a rather low brick wall that you can, after much heaving and clawing, clamber over. If you're unlucky, you get this imposing brick wall where you can't tell where it ends, and there seems no chance of getting over it. But that darn wall is smack in the middle of your path, and there's no way continuing your journey unless you climb over this slab of stone.

You have a few options.
One, huddle at the foot of the wall and continuously bemoan your misfortune. ('Why do I get a super tall wall when others get such low walls?', 'I'm always unlucky. Why am I always unlucky?'...you get the idea.)
Two, turn back and go down where you came from, maybe until you reach the previous intersection and take another route. (but there's no guarantee that this alternative route is tall-wall-free.)
Three, find some way to climb over that damn wall.

Objectively speaking, I see the first option as the option of giving up (often, even before trying), and the second option as the option of escaping or denying difficulties. If we don't learn how to climb a tall wall, what's going to happen the next time we come across another tall wall? Turn back and escape again? The third option, would, rationally, epitomize the persevering and learning through difficulty option.

However, a tall wall is a tall wall. It's not easily clambered over. But against the wall, is a very tall ladder. Sometimes you may get a rickety, rotting ladder. Sometimes you're luckier, you get a sturdy ladder. Oh, and sometimes..? You get none. But there's no stopping you to make one. So, if you lean the ladder (rickety/solid/handmade) against the wall and start ascending, you would be making progress to overcome the tall wall. The rickety one may fail you sometimes, but it can also get you to some height (and you'll never know if it's high enough to jump over). And because you have the assistance of the ladder, you can begin to see the top of the wall and the possibility of climbing over it.

But, the ladder's just leaning against the wall. It doesn't conveniently throw you down the other side of the tall wall. If you're lucky, the ladder is taller than the wall, then you have extra support at the peak to hop over. If the ladder is a tad shorter than the wall, you'll have to clamber a little to get over the wall. Ultimately, you have to make the effort to pull yourself over the tall wall to the other side, where your path continues.

I see friends as the ladder. They are the wonderful help that elevates us to a position where we can perceive the possibility of overcoming difficult problems in life. We have really good friends, like the sturdy ladder, that becomes the solid support we rely on in difficult times. But we may have friends that are, well, a little more transient, just like the rickety ladder; but that don't mean they don't help or teach us anything. And sometimes, we probably have to make friends that can help us through tough times, just like the handmade ladder.

But ultimately, in all walls (i.e. problems) alike, the final effort have to be our very own. We have to climb over the top of the wall on our own. The ladder can't do it for us. That journey we have to make alone.

This whole analogy may sound strange, but it came to me when I was mulling over how much help I could extend to my friends when they are troubled with difficult problems in life. I felt I have done as much as I could, I wondered if I could do more. But I truly feel that while I can do much, there is still only so much I can do. The rest of the journey, they have to make it alone. I can't throw them over the brick wall; they have to propel themselves over. This is true as well when roles are reversed.

I simply believe that life is a culmination of our choices, and while we may have friendly support, we should keep in mind not to use it like a crutch and forget that we have to own up to our choices because ultimately, our very own will is what matters.

~みはる~

Buddhism and Modern Science

Came across this very curious article.

**********

Buddhism, the only real science

by Venerable Ajahn Brahmavamso Mahathera

I used to be a scientist. I did Theoretical Physics at Cambridge University, hanging out in the same building as the later-to-be-famous Professor Stephen Hawking. I became disillusioned with such science when, as an insider, I saw how dogmatic some scientists could be. A dogma, according to the dictionary, is an arrogant declaration of an opinion.

This was a fitting description of the science that I saw in the labs of Cambridge. Science had lost its sense of humility. Egotistical opinion prevailed over the impartial search for Truth. My favourite aphorism from that time was: "The eminence of a great scientist, is measured by the length of time that they OBSTRUCT PROGRESS in their field"!

To understand real science, one can go back to one of its founding fathers, the English philosopher Francis Bacon (1561 - 1628). He established the framework on which science was to progress, namely "the greater force of the negative instance".

This meant that, having proposed a theory to explain some natural phenomenon, then one should try one's best to disprove it! One should test the theory with challenging experiments. One must put it on trial with rigorous argument.

When a flaw appears in the theory, only then does science advance. A new discovery has been made enabling the theory to be adjusted and refined. This fundamental and original methodology of science understood that it is impossible to prove anything with absolute certainty. One can only disprove with absolute certainty.

For example, how can one prove the basic law of gravity that "what goes up comes down, eventually"? One may throw objects up one million times and see them fall one million times. But that still does not prove "what goes up comes down".

For NASA might then 'throw' a Saturn rocket up into space to explore Mars, and that never comes down to earth again. One negative instance is enough to disprove the theory with absolute certainty.

Some misguided scientists maintain the theory that there is no rebirth, that this stream of consciousness is incapable of returning to a successive human existence. All one needs to disprove this theory, according to science, is to find one instance of rebirth, just one!

Professor Ian Stevenson, as some of you would know, has already demonstrated many instances of rebirth. The theory of no rebirth has been disproved. Rebirth is now a scientific fact!

Modern science gives a low priority to any efforts to disprove its pet theories. There is too much vested interest in power, prestige and research grants. A courageous commitment to truth takes too many scientists out of their comfort zone.

Scientists are, for the most part, brainwashed by their education and their in-group conferences to see the world in a very narrow, microscopic, way. The very worst scientists are those who behave like eccentric evangelists, claiming that they alone have the whole truth, and then demanding the right to impose their views on everyone else.

Ordinary people know so little about science that they can hardly even understand the jargon.

Yet, if they read in a newspaper or magazine "a scientist says that?", then they automatically take it to be true. Compare this to our reaction when we read in the same journal "a politician says that?"! Why do scientists have such unchallenged credibility?

Perhaps it is because the language and ritual of science has become so far removed from the common people, that scientists have become today's revered and mystical priesthood.

Dressed in their ceremonial white lab coats, chanting incomprehensible mumbo jumbo about multi-dimensional fractal parallel universes, and performing magical rituals that transubstantiate metal and plastic into TVs and computers, these modern day alchemists are so awesome we'll believe anything they say. Elitist science, as once was the Pope, is now infallible.

Some know better. Much of what I learnt 30 years ago has now been proved wrong. There are, fortunately, many scientists with integrity and humility who affirm that science is, at best, a work still in progress.

They know that science can only suggest a truth, but can never claim a truth. I was once told by a Buddhist G.P. that, on his first day at a medical school in Sydney, the famous Professor, head of the Medical School, began his welcoming address by stating "Half of what we are going to teach you in the next few years is wrong. Our problem is that we do not know which half it is!" Those were the words of a real scientist.

Some evangelical scientists would do well to reflect on the (amended) old saying "Scientists rush in where angels fear to tread" and stop pontificating about the nature of the mind, happiness and even Nirvana. Neurologists are especially prone to such neuroses (Neurosis: an undue adherence to unrealistic ideas of things).

They are claiming that the mind, awareness and will, is now adequately explained by activity in the brain. This theory was disproved over 20 years ago by Prof. Lorber's discovery of the student at Sheffield University with an IQ of 126, a First Class degree in mathematics, but with virtually no brain (Science, Vol. 210, 12 Dec 1980)!

More recently, it was disproved by Prof. Pim Van Lommel, who demonstrated the existence of consciousness activity after clinical death, i.e. when all brain activity has ceased (Lancet, Vol. 358, 15 December 2001, p 2039).

Although there may be correlation between a measurable activity in part of the brain and a mental impression, such co-occurrence doesn't always imply that one is the cause of the other. For instance, some years ago, research showed a clear correlation between cigarette smoking and the non-occurrence of Alzheimer's disease.

It was not that smoking cigarettes somehow caused immunity from Alzheimer's, as much as the tobacco companies might have wished, it was only that many smokers did not live long enough to get Alzheimer's disease!

Thus a co-incidence of two phenomena, even when repeated, does not mean that one phenomenon is the cause of the other. To claim that activity in the brain causes awareness, or mind, is plainly unscientific.

Buddhism is more scientific than modern science. Like science, Buddhism is based on verifiable cause-and-effect relationships. But unlike science, Buddhism challenges with thoroughness every belief.

The famous Kalama Sutta of Buddhism states that one cannot believe fully in "what one is taught, tradition, hearsay, scripture, logic, inference, appearance, agreement with established opinion, the seeming competence of a teacher, or even in one's own teacher".

How many scientists are as rigorous in their thinking as this? Buddhism challenges everything, including logic.

It is worth noting that Quantum Theory appeared quite illogical, even to such great scientists as Einstein, when it was first proposed. It is yet to be disproved. Logic is only as reliable as the assumptions on which it is based. Buddhism trusts only clear and objective experience.

Clear experience occurs when one's measuring instruments, one's senses, are bright and undisturbed. In Buddhism, this happens when the hindrances of sloth-and-torpor and restlessness-and-remorse are both overcome. Objective experience is that which is free from all bias.

In Buddhism, the three types of bias are desire, ill will and sceptical doubt. Desire makes one see only what one wants to see, it bends the truth to fit one's preferences. Ill will makes one blind to whatever is disturbing or disconcerting to one's views and it distorts the truth by denial.

Sceptical doubt stubbornly refuses to accept those truths, like rebirth, that are plainly valid but which fall outside of one's comforting worldview.

In summary, clear and objective experience only happens when the Buddhist 'Five Hindrances' have been overcome. Only then can one trust the data arriving through one's senses.

Because scientists are not free of these five hindrances, they are rarely clear and objective. It is common, for example, for scientists to ignore annoying data, which do not fit their cherished theories, or else confine such evidence to oblivion by filing it away as an 'anomaly'.

Even most Buddhists aren't clear and objective. One has to have recent experience of Jhana to effectively put aside these five hindrances (according to the Nalakapana Sutta , Majjhima No. 68). So only accomplished meditators can claim to be real scientists, that is, clear and objective.

Science claims to rely not only on clear and objective observation, but also on measurement. But what is measurement in science? To measure something, according to the pure science of Quantum Theory, is to collapse the Schroedinger Wave Equation through an act of observation.

Moreover, the "un-collapsed" form of the Schroedinger Wave Equation, that is before any measurement is made, is, perhaps, science's most perfect description of the world.

That description is weird! Reality, according to pure science, does not consist of well-ordered matter with precise massed, energies and positions in space, all just waiting to be measured. Reality is the broadest of smudges of all possibilities, only some being more probable than others.

Even basic 'measurable' qualities as 'alive' or 'dead' have been demonstrated by science to be invalid sometimes. In the notorious 'Schroedinger's Cat' thought experiment, Prof. Schroedinger's cat was ingeniously placed in a real situation where it was neither dead nor alive, where such measurements became meaningless. Reality, according to Quantum Theory, is beyond measurements. Measuring disturbs reality, it never describes it perfectly.

It was Heisenberg's famous 'Uncertainty Principle' that showed the inevitable error between the real Quantum world and the measured world of pseudo-science.

Anyway, how can anyone measure the measurer, the mind? At a recent seminar on Science and Religion, at which I was a speaker, a Catholic in the audience bravely announced that whenever she looks through a telescope at the stars, she feels uncomfortable because her religion is threatened.

I commented that whenever a scientist looks the other way round through a telescope, to observe the one who is watching, then they feel uncomfortable because their science is threatened by what is doing the seeing! So what is doing the seeing, what is this mind that eludes modern science?

A Grade-One teacher once asked her class "What is the biggest thing in the world?" One little girl answered "My daddy". A little boy said "An elephant", since he'd recently been to the zoo. Another girl suggested "A mountain".

The six-year-old daughter of a close friend of mine replied, "My eye is the biggest thing in the world"! The class stopped. Even the teacher didn't understand her answer. So the little philosopher explained "Well, my eye can see her daddy, an elephant, and a mountain too. It can also see so much else. If all of that can fit into my eye, then my eye must be the biggest thing in the world." Brilliant!

However, she was not quite right. The mind can see everything that one's eye can see, and it can also imagine so much more. It can also hear, smell, taste and touch, as well as think. In fact, everything that can be known can fit into the mind. Therefore, the mind must be the biggest thing in the world. Science's mistake is obvious now. The mind is not in the brain, nor in the body. The brain, the body and the rest of the world, are in the mind!

Mind is the sixth sense in Buddhism, it is that which encompasses the five senses of sight, hearing, smell, taste and touch, and transcends them with its own domain. It corresponds loosely to Aristotle's "common sense" that is distinct from the five senses.

Indeed, ancient Greek philosophy, from where science is said to have its origins, taught six senses just like Buddhism. Somewhere along the historical journey of European thinking, they lost their mind! Or, as Aristotle would put it, they somehow discarded their "common sense"! And thus we got science. We got materialism without any heart. One can accurately say that Buddhism is science that has kept its heart, and which hasn't lost its mind!

Thus Buddhism is not a belief system. It is a science founded on objective observation, i.e. meditation, ever careful not to disturb the reality through imposing artificial measurements, and it is evidently repeatable.

People have been re-creating the experimental conditions, known as establishing the factors of the Noble Eightfold Path, for over twenty-six centuries now, much longer than science. And those renowned Professors of Meditation, the male and female Arahants, have all arrived at the same conclusion as the Buddha.

They verified the timeless Law of Dhamma, otherwise known as Buddhism. So Buddhism is the only real science, and I'm happy to say that I'm still a scientist at heart, only a much better scientist than I ever could have been at Cambridge.

Courtesy: Buddhist Society of Western Australia.

**********

0

Affirmation

Everyone needs a little affirmation sometimes.

Or so, I realized.


We often neglect how a little trust in the character, a little believe in the capacity and a little faith in the good heart of another person can be of great inspiration and comfort to them. Sometimes, very simple words such as, "I believe in you" is all that it is needed to give them the confidence to soar past their limits.

I learnt this watching a colleague of mine struggling through numerous cycles of highs and (very) lows in her life. I watched how she took unpleasant words like knife into her flesh, and when she confided in me, tears would flow and I could feel her pain burning and her yearning for affirmation. I could only watch helplessly and bolster her morally because it is not I who can give her the affirmation she needs. It makes me wonder why can't people do a little kindness and give a little affirmation once in a while.

It wouldn't cost a penny, right?
Yet, it would mean more than anything to the person at the receiving end.

~みはる~
0

Do you care?

A thought struck me while I was idly thinking in the past few days.

Have you ever been in a position where you discussed a certain problem with another person (say, X), contemplated on the source of the problem, debated at length on the solutions, agreed on the changes that could overcome the problem, and then left standing at the frustrated end when the changes do not come to fruition? And then you question, why is it that when you are putting in effort and time to make the change, X isn't doing the equal amount (or at least, a bit) of work necessary? And as these thoughts revolve in your mind several more times, annoyance builds into anger then escalates into resentment, which distorts your perception thus leading to miscommunication and greater misunderstanding, heralding greater conflict.

It seems to me, one word explains it all: care.

Does X care about the issue enough to make a move at all?
Why do you care about the issue, enough to demand action for change?

Perhaps this is obvious, but in the direction of progress and development, work is necessary to overcome the force of entropy that continually drives us towards disorder or, dis-progress and dis-development (if such words do exist). And work is... let's face it - given a choice, most people wouldn't want to work when they can just sit back and relax. It's going against the tide, not with the flow. It demands huge activation energy (in chemical terms).

And I figured, that unless we care about something deeply enough only will we discipline ourselves to work - to concentrate our focus and energy to climb over that hill of activation energy and resist the force of entropy. We need to care strongly enough to persist past brickwall after brickwall that stands in our way for the pot of gold we set sights on.

I realized that we all don't care the same. More often than not, we are not at the same page. Just because I cared about the problem and the need to change doesn't mean X cared as much. We all have different levels of caring, apparently. So then, the question:

Why do I care?
Because I do.

It dawned on me that sometimes, we just have no explanation to why certain things resonate so deeply within us. But if we care, then let that sincere part of us motivate our actions. We want to do the work, to jump over that brickwall. We do not have to wait for X's work because we care enough to effect the change, and that is sufficient to start. It does not matter then, that X don't work because now we know, they don't care. It'd be great if they do, but even if they don't, it won't discount the fact that we do.

I think this notion applies to every aspect of our lives: personal, work, community or society. I came to reflect on it when I was watching Jamie Oliver's TED Prize Wish. I was inspired by his fiery passion and conviction for the cause that he was fighting for. But it was these words in his speech that resonated deeply in my conscience:

"And all I can say is I care."




Do you care?

~みはる~
0

Note to self

Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts.

- Charles Dickens

5

Not this auntie

The concept of subtlety is not very popular. Or so, I observed.

You see, I was queuing at a check-out counter of a grocery store several days ago. In line behind me was a middle-aged mom. (I'd give her, late 30s. Okay, maybe early 30s, but she looks older. Okay, I'm indignant. She pressed my wrong buttons. Hmph.)

She had a little boy with her, probably about 2-3 years old. Very cute, tottering about with a box of biscuits in his hands. Smart Boy apparently had grasped the idea that he needs to check-out and pay for the box of biscuits before he can eat them, but not quite with the idea of queuing to make the payment. So, mom repeatedly admonish the little chap, "No, boy, you need give it to auntie first. Come, give me, we need to give auntie the biscuits first."

Tottering somewhere beside me, Smart Boy looked up at me, and held out the box of biscuits. "Aww, so cute"...was what I would have said, if not for mom, who very quickly snapped at the kid, "Not this auntie, that cashier auntie."

That was, like, right in my face. Not very subtle.
I am amused.
Maybe age is catching up faster than I would have liked. Sigh.

~みはる~
4

Irony

So, there I was on a Sunday afternoon, trawling my favourite bookstore and doing this not very nice thing of reading (not buying!) a book in a bookstore. The title that caught my eye today was 'Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married' by Gary Chapman, the man behind the concept of 5 love languages. Why that title caught my interest warrants a whole new post, and let's just content with random curiosity for the time being.

What was impressionable in my visit there today is not so much the book, but what I happened to observe in my surroundings while reading that book. So I was hidden amongst mounds of books in the 'Family & Relationships' aisle, reading, when a couple approached the rack next to me - apparently in search for a book along this genre. The man was pushing a pram and the woman, looking very pregnant, had a 5-6 year old in hand. Without even looking up, I could sense a little negative tension in the air between them as they browse; the woman repeatedly and impatiently telling the restless young boy to not yank her hold.

Okay, blame me for being judgmental, but the first thought that ran through my head was, 'Why is a couple with 3 children looking for books in this section?'. Then again, I'm an advocate of life long learning, so I thought perhaps they are looking for ideas to enhance their family life. (yes, I am rather naive) Brilliant, I thought.

As they moved along the aisle, an exchange between the husband and wife got me a little disturbed. I'm guessing he's not one with a sweet-temper, because he became rather quickly frustrated when they couldn't find the book they were looking for. He then started hurtling expletives at her, RIGHT IN FRONT OF his son. "Why didn't you f***king..... You are making me pissed off.... No, you are getting pissy here... F***...". The woman retaliated, although without vulgarities. I glanced up (not wishing to stare, thinking it would be quite rude), and saw the boy was watching the 18-PG verbal volley between mum and dad in silence. This went back and forth a couple more times before they angrily strode off.

I felt very sad for the boy, for I believe marital conflict should never be displayed in this manner in front of young children. Yes, no marriage is perfect and conflicts are part of the package, but I don't think it's ever right to play out this kind of conflict in front of impressionable young minds. It's not difficult to conceive why more and more people develop psychosomatic disorders rooted in bad childhood experiences, isn't it? I wondered if the couple had any idea what may be the grave consequences on the boy as a result of their exchange today.

I couldn't help but felt resigned at the irony of the entire scenario.
The book I was reading is probably targeted at them, not me.
The population who should be reading this book, is not picking it up.

~みはる~
Back to Top