Looking back 2008

In a breath, another year has passed by.
It's true that time flies. Before I know it, 2008 is here and gone.

Looking back, 2008 had been an eventful year for me. Tumultuous, even. I had my ups and a lot of downs. I learnt, I matured, I got lost, I struggled, and I am still surviving.

Living in inflating times
In the span of 12 months in 2008, I moved twice, paid exorbitant property rental through my nose, and juggled my finances badly with my meager student salary. Living expenses went through the roof under the pretext of skyrocketing fuel prices, leaving struggling young people like myself to pay for pricier homes, transportation, food, medicare and personal needs. Savings is near impossible. The financial picture was unpleasant enough to bring forth thoughts of quitting PhD studies for a real paying job. However I decided to complete what I started off, which fortunately was a good decision (I think), considering the economic crunch and thinning recruitment. I suppose inflation is a lifestyle challenge every young adult will have to battle in the journey to adulthood?

Work vs Hobby
With the passing months of 2008, I find my enthusiasm for research gradually diminishing. Perhaps I was never passionate about research to start with. It was an escape route to my then 'quarter-life' crisis. I begin to feel functional in my research work; the problem is this, so I have to find a solution yada-yada. Period. In time, it became dreadful to go to work, I did not (and still do not) feel happy going to work.

In contrary, my happiest day of the week is Sunday, when I attend Japanese classes. I love the classes by Maeda Yukiko-sensei and especially Mizusaki Machiko-sensei. Every week I would look forward to Sunday, for the laughter, jokes, and enjoyable learning of Japanese language. Japanese language became (though always had been) my passion. Regardless a regular conversational class, or the intensive JLPT prep class, I just love Japanese classes. And before I knew it, this 1.5 hours of Japanese per week became the sole lifeline that is keeping me away from depression.

That I began feeling this way forces me to rethink my direction in life. Is this what I want for the next several years of my life; the waking up to dreadful mornings, experimenting functionally? Why is it the Japanese classes are making me feeling so much more alive and enthusiastic? What am I doing here? What do I want? What am I supposed to do?

Sadly, I still cannot find the answers. Although, I think I should find it fast because waking up to every morning in dread without genuine enthusiasm to motivate me makes life very difficult to live by.

Friends and foe
I admit I haven't been socializing healthily in this whole year. I see my lab colleagues every day and we have occasional outings, meet up with university mates once a while.... and that's it. Apart from my housemates and a few close friends, I don't think I maintained a sustainable interaction with people around me. Even with close friends, I don't think I engage with them frequent enough, long enough, or deep enough. Busy schedule had always been the primary excuse. It is sad, I know. However, when I become so preoccupied with my own problems and work, I gradually lost touch with myself, which drifted me further from my friends. Compounded with my deteriorating impression on people and human nature, I think I'm starting to develop a general lack of trust for others; I find friends not being there when I'm at my lowest and that I can only depend on myself to save myself. Not that I blame them anyway. But I see friends no different from mere acquaintances; when I am sinking, they all just stand by the sidelines and watch me go down albeit helplessly.

While I well know that is a psychologically dangerous train of thought, most of the time I can't find an ink of sincerity in me to believe in the genuine bond of friendship. Frankly I couldn't believe how cold and cynical I have evolved; I used to naively embrace the joys of friendship and the wonderful companionship it brings. I wonder, where along my life had I lost the innocence and naivety I so miss right now. Nevertheless, I do have a handful of friends whom, by my interaction with them, periodically reminds me that I need them just as much as they need me. To these few, I thank them from the bottom of my heart and I truly treasure them.

In the year 2008, I had my fair share of acquaintances who stirred incredible emotional chaos in me. I've met people with really ridiculously lousy attitude and shallow conduct, who annoyed me so much I experienced serious emotional hijacking for the first time in my life. In retrospect, my interaction with them taught me soft skills I never knew I'd need and trained my patience. It's because of them I saw the need to re-evaluate my emotional and mental self. While I still hold rather poor regard on them, I sincerely thank them for showing me my weaknesses.

Shrinking EQ
2008 had been turbulent for me in terms of emotional well-being. It's like a violent ride of emotional see-saw. There are rare moments that I'm very happy, but a lot of time was spent entertaining negativity. I became much more short-tempered and get angry rather easily. It was bad to the point that I think I might have been experiencing mild depression. There were times I would feel emotionally overwhelmed and end up crying without knowing what the trigger was. Other times, I would feel easily insulted by remarks that wouldn't usually bother me much; somehow, for reasons I'm unclear, the hurt and pain get amplified so many times resulting in my uncharacteristic huge reaction towards the offender.

In retrospect, I think I lost control of my emotional self somewhere along the way. I had not intended for my emotions to run amok, but the flaws and faults in my character were not corrected and had most likely resulted in this emotional hijacking. (I kinda suspected it may have been compounded by some kind of clinical dysfunction, like hormonal imbalance, but that's for the doctor to tell me...)

Losing my emotional self makes me feel vulnerable and fragile; I lose my sense of self. While I'm far from recovering, I'm trying very hard to repair the damage before it destroys me in its stranglehold.

In a nutshell
Looking back, it had been a difficult year. Though not completely gloomy, it did drain a lot of energy from my inner self. I felt I had lost a lot of youth and zeal in threading through this 'prime time' of my life. It makes me feel tired and old.
I long for an enthusiastic and energetic life.
I long for good times and close bonds with friends.
I long for a goal I can wake up eagerly to every morning.
I long for a peaceful mind and heart.

And such is life that we have many things we long for, and they can come to us but at hefty price. I hope to face the new year with a better frame of mind, clear heart, and renewed enthusiasm for life. I will continue to seek for answers to my unanswered questions, fix my flaws and faults, and regain sight of myself.

I think what I really need is a long break to rejuvenate my weary soul.

Hopefully, 2009 won't be suckier than what 2008 was already.

～みはる～