Depression

Until last month, I subconsciously refused to admit something.

I have been in depression since last December.

Maybe I hadn't seen it on myself. I mean, not everyone can see themselves in depression. Maybe I knew and just didn't want to admit I'm clinically depressed. I mean, I'm not depressed, I'm just... overworked.

But I was depressed.

That is according to the Burns Depression Checklist (BDC). When I first did the BDC, I scored 48%, which put me in the range of 'moderate depression'. Am I worried? Of course I'm worried. I saw the symptoms in myself. I would be moody and down for more than half the time. I was stressed with my work, and felt incredibly put down because nothing I did could meet my own expectations. I felt hopeless, overwhelmed, anxious, guilty, worried, despair, lonely.... all the signature expressions of depression. Almost every other day my mood would plunge rock-bottom and I would cry because I feel so overwhelmed by the conflict that is going on within and around me. While I have been a sensitive person all this while, to get emotional that often was not normal for myself. I could feel the weight on my chest. I was suppressing tears during work. I just felt like I was in the pits - so far down and there's no way I could pull myself out of the trench of emotional and mental despair. I wanted to get out, but I couldn't find the will. I felt like I lost everything - my enthusiasm, my smile, my willpower, my intelligence, my confidence, my soul... myself.

What was particularly worrying to me was that I could feel my friends slipping away from me just as I am slipping away from them. Because I was depressed, my mood was always bad and I'm never in a good state of mind to interact with them and I preferred to not socialize because it wears me out. My health was also not exactly fantastic. I keep getting very bad migraines, which are pulsating headaches that reverberated in my head at an intensity great enough to interfere my work. So much so that when I approached the campus doctor for advice, he referred me to a neurologist at the national neuroscience center. And my memory seems to go from bad to worse; I cannot remember things, I feel my intellect diving several notches below. Looks like there's nothing funny about the acronym 'permanent head damage' for PhD.

I kept asking myself why and how I landed myself in depression. It could have been stress from my PhD confirmation exam. It could have been disappointment with the no-progress of my experiments. It could have been the lost of directionality in my research project. It could have been the difference in mentality in my working relationship with my boss. It could have been the unrealistic expectations I set for myself. It could have been my over-empathizing with other people. It could have been the society's shallow attitude in general. It could have been my insecurities and need to please other people. It could have been deprivation from Japanese classes. It could have been one thousand and one other reasons, but one which I find most apt was, in a friend's words, "burnt out", which subsequently led to my twisted perspective in everyday life.

One thing that led to clearing the dark cloud above my head was the news I've passed my JLPT2 exam. I was happy because I scored above my expectation. I was glad I could give success to my dedicated Japanese teacher for all her hardwork in coaching us. Somehow, the achievement gave me confidence, reassured my strengths and gave me a little joy. I felt useful and hopeful with this accomplishment. The other thing that lifted my spirits was a book by Dr David Burns, 'Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy'. I picked up the book at whim, and as I turned every page, I felt Dr Burns was giving me a psychiatric treatment. He accurately nailed the cause of my depression and suggested methods to overcome depression. I felt hopeful after reading two chapters of his book and somehow through that, I found a little motivation to help myself out of depression.

As I'm writing this, I'm still reading his book and trying to help myself. I've been feeling a bit more cheerful and motivated, although not to say I'm completely out of depression. I also am making a point to not burn myself out, because I find it feeds my frustration. Therefore, I have been getting off work on time, going for regular exercise, and importantly, resuming my favorite Japanese classes. There's something incredibly therapeutic about the Japanese classes conducted by Mizusaki sensei. In short, I make an effort to spend more time on myself because I think I owe it to me.

However, the neurologist appointment remains. I hope the check up will be all clear.

～みはる～